Ok so I've seen a few ideals around and I plan on
designing the "Solar Power Flashlight", and "the Underwater Grill".
just kidding ;)
Jerk #1
I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make.
I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello ???"
I politely said, May I please speak to Robin Carter?"
Suddenly, the polite voice changed to a loud scream, "WRONG NUMBER," and hung
up with a slam!
I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct
number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits.
After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I
decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're a
jerk!" and hung up.
Next to his phone number I wrote the word "Jerk," and put it in my desk
drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call
him up. He'd answer, and then I'd yell, "You're a jerk!" It would always cheer
me up.
The day the phone company introduced caller ID, I was disappointed; I would have to
stop calling the jerk. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his
voice, "Hello???" I made up a name. "Hi. This is Herman with the telephone
company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?"
He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said,
"That's because you're a jerk!"
And the reason I took the time to tell you this story is to show you how if there's
ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it.
Jerk #2
The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space. I
didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started
to very slowly back out of the stall. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room
to pull out. "Great," I thought, "She's finally leaving."
All of a sudden this black Camaro came flying up the parking aisle in the wrong
direction and pulled into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, "You
can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!"
The guy climbed out of his Camaro, completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as
if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, "This guy's a jerk; there's sure a
lot of jerks in this world." I noticed he had a For Sale sign in the back window of
his car. I wrote down the number.
A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone
after calling Jerk # 1 and yelling, "You're a jerk!" I noticed the phone number
of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy,
too. After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello."
I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?"
"Yes it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the cars parked
right out front."
I said, "What's your name?"
"My name is Don Hansen..."
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home in the evenings."
"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes."
"Don, you're a jerk!" And I slammed the phone down. After I hung up I added
Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer.
For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem, I had
two jerks to call. Then after several months of calling the jerks and hanging up on them,
the whole thing started to seem like an obligation. It just wasn't as enjoyable as it used
to be.
I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution. First, I had my
phone dial Jerk #1. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello." I yelled "You're
a jerk!" But I didn't hang up.
The jerk said, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah."
He said, "Stop calling me."
I said, "No."
He said, "What's your name, Pal?"
I said, "Don Hansen."
"Where do you live?"
1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's parked out
front."
I love this one. He says, 'I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying
your prayers."
"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jerk!" and I hung up.
Then I called Jerk #2. He answered, "Hello."
I said, "Hello, Jerk!"
He said, "if I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?"
"I'll kick your butt."
"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jerk!"
And I hung up.
Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them a big gang fight was
going down at 1802 West 34th Street.
After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole
thing. I turned onto 34th Street and parked my car under the shade of a tree half a block
from Jerk #2's house.
There were two guys fighting out front. Suddenly there were about 12 police cars and a
helicopter. The police wrestled the two men to the ground and took them away. It was a
nice way to break the boring cycle I had gotten myself into.
Where Has All The Lipstick Gone?
According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem.
A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That
was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror
leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls
to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian
who had to clean the mirrors every day. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the
mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the
mirror.
Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
Corporate headquarters has defined a lower cost alternative that addresses the Y2K
(Year 2000) issue:
The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by Sept. 1999.
Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch. There are many sound reasons for
doing this:
1. No Y2K problems.
2. No technical glitches keeping work from being done.
3. No more wasted time reading and writing e-mails.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS FROM THE ETCH-A-SKETCH HELP DESK:
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen. What do I
do?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it. 
In case anyone is considering doing some camping this summer, please note the following
public service announcement:
In Alaska, tourists are warned to wear tiny bells on their clothing when hiking in bear
country. The bells warn away MOST bears. Tourists are also cautioned to watch the ground
on the trail, paying particular attention to bear droppings to be alert for the presence
of Grizzly Bears. One can tell a Grizzly dropping because it has tiny bells in it...
Top Ten Slogans For The New WCW Cologne
10."Attract them white trash babes!"
9."Sometimes you just want to smell phony"
8."Like a piledriver up your nose"
7."The exciting scent of the lowest common denominator"
6."If you actually bought Michael Jordan's cologne, you might as well buy this!"
5."The perfect gift for ...uh ... it's really hard to say"
4."Give a bottle to that nancy boy son of yours -- it couldn't hurt!"
3."This stuff can make you governor!"
2."Because when you're sitting on your ass all day watching wrestling, you've got to
smell your best"
1."Finally!"
BUBBA'S POEM
Collards is green, my dog's name is Blue,
and I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk, a-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas.
You move like the bass, which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales but I luv you anyway.
Yo're as satisfy'n as okry, jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff" right out of the can.
You have some'a yore teeth, for which I am proud;
I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.
On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms,
well, I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms.
Still them fellers at work, they all want to know,
what I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape yo're there fer yore man,
to patch up life's troubles and fix what you can.
Yo're as strong as a four-wheeler racin' through the mud,
yet fragile as that sanger named Naomi Judd.
Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like those far ants, I found in my bed.
Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt,
you spark up my life more than a fresh load of dirt.
When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack,
my life is complete; Ain't nuttin' I lack.
Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin'.
despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'.
And when you get old like a '57 Chevy,
I won't put you on blocks and let grass grow up heavy.
Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie with a RC cold drank,
we go together like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate for thar wif on Muther's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart, it's romantic that way.
Some men git roses on that special day
from the cooler at Kroger. "That's impressive," I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth.
But for this man, honey, these won't do.
'Cause yor'e too special, you sweet thang you.
I got you a gift, without taste nor odor,
more useful than diamonds......IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR!!
Luv from yor'e romeo, Big Bubba!
Dumb Questions
s you may know, Marilyn Vos Savant supposedly has one of the highest, if
not the highest, IQs in the world. She writes a regular column called, Ask
Marilyn. In September 1998 she published a list of questions readers had
asked her that, in her words, "I love too much to answer"
Here are a selection:
Is there an implied time limit on fortune cookie predictions? If so,
how long is it?
Nature shows on television say that when two bull moose compete for a
lady moose, the one with the smaller antlers concedes to the other one.
I can see how a moose can tell the size of his opponent's antlers, but how
does he know how big his own are?
How did people trim their toenails before the invention of tools with
sharp metal edges?
Must one always begin at the beginning? Much time could be saved if
we could begin at the end.
I like to watch major league baseball and I'm wondering if you could
calculate something. Over the past 70 years of the existence of
Yankee Stadium, how deep would the spit be if none had ever evaporated or
been absorbed into the soil?
How can any deoderant have a scent of its own? Why doesn't it wipe
itself out?
Could we stop a hurricane on the East Coast if everyone on the coast
turned a fan outside that was pointed east?
Is it true that there is not one single square inch of dirt anywhere
on the face of this planet that has not, at one time or another, passed
through an earthworm?
Has all this evolution been worth it?
I want to start eating wood again, but my appendix was taken out a
few years ago. What can I do?
If you're a man and have a sex-change operation, will your car
insurance rates go down?
I find it curious that there are many individuals whose surname is
Brown, Green, White, Black, Gray or Gold, but there are virtually none
whose surname is Red, Yellow, Orange, Purple or Pink. Is there a logical
reason for this?
And the Topper:
I am 37 and have been washing my own clothes since I was 10. When
I throw my underpants into the machine, they come back inside out. But if I
put them in inside out, they still come back inside out. Can you explain
this?
Now we can all speak Chinese!
>
> Got this from a friend in school:
>
> sent to him by a Chinese classmate:
> > English phrase Chinese Interpretation
> >
> > Are you harboring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding?
> > See me A.S.A.P. Kum Hia Nao
> > Stupid Man Dum Gai
> > Small Horse Tai Ni Po Ni
> > Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan?
> > I bumped into a coffee table Ai Bang Mai Ni
> > I think you need a facelift Chin Tu Fat
> > It's very dark in here Wai So Dim?
> > Has your flight been delayed? Hao Long Wei Ting?
> > That was an unauthorized execution. Lin Ching
> > I thought you were on a diet Wai Yu Mun Ching?
> > This is a tow away zone. No Pah King
> > Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena? Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?
> > You are not very bright Yu So Dum
> > I got this for free Ai No Pei
> > I am not guilty Wai Hang Mi?
> > Please, stay a while longer. Wai Go Nao?
> > Our meeting was scheduled for next week Wai Yu Kum Nao
> > They have arrived Hia Dei Kum
> > Stay out of sight Lei Lo
> > He's cleaning his automobile Wa Shin Ca
Axioms For The Internet Age
>
>
>
>
> 1. Home is where you hang your @
> 2. The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
> 3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
> 4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
> 5. Great groups from little icons grow.
> 6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
> 7. C:\ is the root of all directories.
> 8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
> 9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
>10. The modem is the message.
>11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
>12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
>13. A chat has nine lives.
>14. Don't byte off more than you can view.
>15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
>16. What boots up must come down.
>17. Windows will never cease.
>18. In Gates we trust.
>19. Virtual reality is its own reward.
>20. Modulation in all things.
>21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
>22. There's no place like home.com!
>23. Know what to expect before you connect.
>24. Oh, what a tangled Web site we weave when first we practice.
>25. Speed thrills.
>26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use
> the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD HAVE:
1. One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to and one
who reminds you of how far you've come.
2. Enough money within your control to move out and rent a
place on your own, even if you never want or need to.
3. Something perfect to wear if the employer or man of your
dreams wants to see you in an hour.
4. A purse, a suitcase and an umbrella you're not ashamed to
be seen carrying.
5. A youth you're content to move beyond.
6. A past juicy enough that you're looking forward to
retelling it in your old age.
7. The realization that you are actually going to have an old
age and some money set aside to help fund it.
8. A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill and a black lace
bra.
9. One friend who always makes you laugh and one who lets you
cry.
10. A good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone
else in your family.
11. Eight matching plates, wineglasses with stems and a recipe
for a meal that will make your guests feel honored.
12. A resume that is not even the slightest bit padded.
13. A feeling of control over your destiny.
14. A skin care regime, an exercise routine and a plan for
dealing with those few other facets of life that don't get better
after 30.
15. A solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying
relationship and all those other facets of life that do get better.
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW:
1. How to fall in love without losing yourself.
2. How you feel about having kids.
3. How to quit a job, break up with a man and confront a friend without ruining the
friendship.
4. When to try harder and when to walk away.
5. How to kiss a man in a way that communicates perfectly what you would and wouldn't like
to happen next.
6. How to have a good time at a party you'd never choose to attend.
7. How to ask for what you want in a way that makes it most likely you'll get it.
8. That you can't change the length of your calves, the width
of your hips or the nature of your parents.
9. That your childhood may not have been perfect, but it's over.
10. What you would and wouldn't do for love or more.
11. How to live alone, even if you don't like it.
12. Who you can trust, who you can't, and why you shouldn't take it personally.
13. Where to go - be it your best friend's kitchen table or a charming inn hidden in the
woods-when your soul needs soothing.
14. What you can and can't accomplish in a day, a month, and a year.
15. Why they say life begins at 30.
A carrot and a radish were driving down the highway
when they got into a HUGE accident.
They were rushed to the nearest hospital,
where the doctor said
that the radish was fine,
except for a couple of bruises.
He was very nervous
about the carrot,
so he asked the doctor how he was.
" Well," said the doctor,"
there is good news, and
there is bad news.
The good news is that your friend
the carrot is going to recover completely.
The bad news is that he is going to be
a vegetable for the rest of his life."
Boyscout letter from camp
Dear Mom,
Our scout master told us all write to our parents in case you saw
the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and
2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned
because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it
happened. Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK.
He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the
search & rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him
in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.
Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without
telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the
fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put
gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still
didn't burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of our clothes. John is
going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car
fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we
left. Scoutmaster Webb said that a car that old you have to expect
something to break down; that's probably why he can't get
insurance on it. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it
dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate.
It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns
riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and
talked to us.
Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver.
lain In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him
drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we
ever see up there are logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and
swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Webb wouldn't let me because I can't
swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he
let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still
see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster
Webb isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about
the life jackets.
He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying
not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our
first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a
tourniquet works. Also Wade and I threw up.
Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the
leftover chicken, he said they got sick that way with the food
they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and become our scoutmaster.
He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he
was doing his time.
I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and
buy bullets. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.
Love, Cole
TRUE STORY: Car jacking Foiled
An elderly lady did her shopping and upon return found 4 males in her
car.
She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to
scream at them at the top of her voice that she knows how to use it and that
she will if required.... so get out of the car.
The 4 men didn't wait around for a second invitation but got out and
ran like mad, where upon the lady proceeded to load her shopping bags into the
back of the car and got into the drivers seat.
Small problem, her key wouldn't fit the ignition. Her car was
identical and parked four / five spaces further down.
She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station.
The sergeant that she told the story to nearly tore himself in two
with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter where 4 pale
white males were reporting a car-jacking by a mad, elderly, white woman
......no charges were filed.
President Bill Clinton was visiting an elementary school today
and
when he visited one of the classes (4th grade I believe), they were in
the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the class in
the discussion of the word, "tragedy." So our illustrious leader
asks the class for an example of a tragedy.
One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives
next door, was playing in the street and a car came along and ran over
him that would be a tragedy."
"No," says Clinton, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children
drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains Mr. President. "That's what we would call
a GREAT LOSS."
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Clinton
searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an
example of a tragedy?"
Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand. In a
quiet voice he says, "If Air Force One, was carrying you, President
Clinton, and was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens,
that would be a tragedy!"
Fantastic," exclaims Clinton, "That's right. And can you tell me
WHY that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly
would be no great loss!"
50 FUN THINGS TO DO AT WALLY WORLD
1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling
them and stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the
store.
3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute
intervals throughout the day.
4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get
to join in.
5. Contaminate the entire auto department by
sampling all the spray air fresheners.
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift
wrap.
7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
9. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW,
especially thin narrow aisles.
10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone,
"I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what
happens.
11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them
all off and turn the volumes to "10".
12. Play with the automatic doors.
13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't
seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to
avoid embarrassment.
14. While walking through the clothing department, ask
yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this crap,
anyway?"
15. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.
16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're
taking it for a "test drive."
17. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about
five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the
department.
18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire
store as your playing field.
19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner,
look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"
20. Put M&M's on layaway.
21. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others
you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed
and Bath.
23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from
the other aisles.
24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around
saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"
26. TP as much of the store as possible.
27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello"
upside down.
29. When someone asks if you need help, begin
to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
30. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run
between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"
31. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees
if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples
here?"
32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full
scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
33. Take bets on the battle described above.
34. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
35.While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly
ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
Act as spastic as possible.
36. Hold indoor shopping cart races.
37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from
"Mission: Impossible."
38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
40. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me
to your Twinkies?"
41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
42. Two words: "Marco Polo."
43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet
food aisle, etc.
44. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.
45. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look
with various funnels.
46. When someone steps away from their cart to look at
something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.
47. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume
the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices
again!"
49. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
50. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and
relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink;
explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put
a little umbrella in it.
50 FUN THINGS TO DO IN AN ELEVATOR
1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of
your Kleenex to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead
and muttering: "Shut up, d---it, all of you just shut UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a
Small World" incessantly.
5. Girl Scout cookies.
6.On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural
frequency of the elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while
peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the
elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner,
facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain
to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper:
"Noogie patrol coming!"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a
warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and
demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go
"plink" at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a
while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from
the back: "Oh, not now, d--n motion sickness!"
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20. Meow occasionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter
in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go"
then sigh and say "oops!"
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it
looks infected.
24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while
continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the
elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human
head" on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then
announce "You're one of THEM!"and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push
the button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other
passengers through it.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and
ask "is that your beeper?"
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say "I wonder what all these do" and
push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a
stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk
and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another
passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long
strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find
a more suitable host body."
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a
button.
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer
suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's
getting larger."
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and
holler "Bad touch!"
100 WAY TO ORDER PIZZA BY PHONE
1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the
person taking the order to stop doing that.
2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
3. Use CB lingo where applicable.
4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with
the lowest bidder.
7. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.
8. Answer their questions with questions.
9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they
have something outlandishly sinful.
10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST- EFFICIENT
UKRAINIAN PUCE.
11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's Master of
Puppets" CD.
13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."
15. Stutter on the letter "p."
16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino's, ask for a
Cheeser! Cheeser!)
17. Ask what the order taker is wearing. 18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.
19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
20. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks
with that, panic and become disoriented.
21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
22. Make a list of exotic cuisine. Order them as toppings.
23. Change your accent every three seconds.
24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation
you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp,
right?"
26. Start your order with "I'd like. . . ". A little later, slap yourself and
say "No, I don't."
27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be
$10.99; please pull up to the first window."
28. Rent a pizza.
29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.
30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
31. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long
"i" sound.
32. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."
33. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say "Well, so
is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is,
in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied
to?"
34. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call
ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.
35. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
36. Imitate the order taker's voice.
37. Eliminate verbs from your speech.
38. When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean
now."
39. Play a sitar in the background.
40. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some
furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.
41. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.
42. Ask to see a menu.
43. Quote Carl Sandberg.
44. Say you'll be able to pay for this
56. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired.
57. Report a petty theft to the order taker.
58. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Josep
62. Try to talk while drinking something.
63. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . .
action!"
64. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
65. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
66. Be vague in your order.
67. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this
time."
68. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.
69. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does."
Simulate a cutoff."
70. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my
last entry."
71. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.
72. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a
description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
73. Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt
that.
74. Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.
75. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.
76. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to
play it.
77. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.
78. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit
can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.
79. Put them on hold.
80. Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.
81. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say
"I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."
82. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No
mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
83. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change
it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"
84. When you're given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate
math."
85. Haggle.
86. Order a one-inch pizza.
87. Order term life insurance.
88. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out,
won't we?"
89. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.
90. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.
91. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.
92. Engage in some serious swapping.
93. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If
he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."
94. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell
"OW!" when a bullet is fired.
95. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.
96. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.
97. Order a steamed pizza.
98. Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your (time
of day) wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.
99. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging. If any of the above practices
are rejected by the order taker, say #
100. in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."
